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Thursday, September 29, 2022

This is what it would be like if Elon Musk bought a burrito like his Twitter asset

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• Elon Musk spies on a burrito cart -> Elon Musk wants a burrito.

• He doesn’t want to pay for it.

• Suggests via tweet that the husband of the burrito cart, sixty-eight-year-old Miguel Chumacero, should just let him eat the burrito. In particular the ‘Giga-Chad’ Trinidad Scorpion Chilli Breakfast Burrito.

• Burrito cart unimpressed by early Twitter polls. 649K votes, 73% in favour. Asking $2.99 ​​for the burrito.

• Musk takes the burrito and eats it anyway. Refuses to pay.

• Sen. Elizabeth Warren tweets: “Let’s change the rigged system so that Elon Musk will actually pay taxes and Miguel, the burrito cart, will stop charging for free.”

• Elon Musk tweets that billionaires shouldn’t pay for burritos or taxes, because that’s insane. Offers to buy the burrito cart for a dogecoin.

• Miguel, the burrito guy, says no. Explains that cryptocurrencies are a medium of exchange designed to enrich creators and early investors at the expense of gullible latecomers. Dogecoin, in particular, is simply an animal-themed Ponzi scheme in which the individual “coins” are on a devaluation trajectory south of the $2.99 ​​burrito Musk just ate.

• Musk changes his Twitter name to “Lorde Edge” and posts: “LOL. Why do Chumacero pp look like chimichurri, Miguela?” and walks away from the burrito cart and the offer to buy.

• Elon Musk is still hungry. Want another burrito.

• Returns to the burrito cart. Offers $44 billion for the cart and all of its contents, but Miguel refuses to sell “to a crazy man.”

• Miguel, the burrito man, says that if Musk wants a burrito, he has to work for it. Texts his brother-in-law Rodrigo that he doesn’t trust this crazy man who is always arguing at the burrito cart and talking about how rich he is, but he never has any money on him. “No peso, no burrito.”

• Musk refuses to work for his burrito. Rejects Miguel’s offer of a grill scraper job and renews the offer to buy the burrito cart for $44 billion in cash and equity.

• Burrito cart board of directors discusses the offer in telephone connection. Miguel’s wife Rosalita and his brother-in-law Rodrigo approve the $44 billion proposal. Rodrigo (who originally lent Miguel the six hundred and thirty-two dollars he needed to buy the used sandwich cart from a County Sherriff’s crime proceeds auction) was particularly enthusiastic.

• News of the deal breaks.

• Half of Twitter declares they will never eat burritos again.

• Burrito embargo falls by lunchtime.

• Elon Musk plans to buy a former sandwich cart (including gas cylinder and edibles) for $44 billion.

• Accuses Miguel of refusing to provide sufficient information about the number of Trinidad Scorpion chilies in the patented ‘Giga-Chad’ breakfast burrito. Tweet that Miguel has a serious fake pepper problem.

• Closure still open at time of publication.


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